I Am the Worst Mother Ever!

Warning....  mom guilt included in this post.  Read at your own risk.

Do you ever have times when you feel you just don't like your kids?  I think that probably happens to all of us.  But what about realizing that you love one kid more than the other?  Yeah - that's bad....

Yesterday I was pondering this idea, and I realized that right now I do love one kid more than the other!  Then I started thinking about why.   (Notice I will not use names in this post, just characteristics)

One child is going through a phase right now that is driving me crazy.  She is whiny, clingy, and angry.  She wants to sit on my lap all the time, and when I don't give her what she wants she throws a tantrum.  She is not 2!  She speaks very well and can communicate with me - but when she's upset she won't talk at all.  She screams and cries and throws things.  Totally unacceptable behavior, but so far everything I've tried hasn't worked.  She is mean to me, ignores me on purpose to make me mad...  she can be infuriating.  When she's happy she can be a sweet little thing, but when she's upset, watch out.  Oh, and she's my bedtime troublemaker - which always makes me angry because I'm tired too and I need my quiet time!

I'm not saying that I don't love her.  I do.  She's my child and I love her and take care of her.  But she makes me mad and sometimes I really don't like her.

Then there's the other child.  She is sweet and smart.  She loves learning and asking questions about how things work.  She's quiet around strangers, but she would never ever make a scene in public no matter how upset or disappointed she is.  I watched her one day at school.  She was upset because she didn't get the prize that she wanted.  The look in her eyes screamed disappointment, but she calmly smiled and said thank you for what she got.  She is so much like me when I was a kid - she feels things deeply but remains collected on the outside.  We have wonderful conversations.  She is the one that comes to me and comforts me when I'm not feeling well or if I've had a bad day.

The two of us have a special bond that I don't have with her sister.  It makes me very sad to realize this and I'm overcome with mom guilt.  I wish I could feel that bond with both girls.  I want to get along with both of my girls and actually want to be around them.  I find myself not wanting to wake one child in the morning because it's so peaceful while she's sleeping.  I don't want to feel that way!  I don't want to love one child more than the other.  That seems so wrong - so against all parenting instincts.  Ugh - the mom guilt is awful, but this time I feel like I deserve it.

The Imagined Mommy vs. Reality

After being a wife for 11 years and a mommy for 6.5, I've decided that I am one very conflicted person.  I have these ideas of who I want to be.  I know the type of wife and mommy that I imagine myself to be.....  it conflicts greatly with the wife and mommy that I actually am.

For example, I imagine that I'm the mom that keeps the house so nice and organized.  Everyone can find all their toys and shoes at any given moment.  Things have homes and are never found out where they should not be.  The house is regularly dusted and vacuumed, and the bathrooms sparkle at all times, and I always know what's for dinner.  Enter reality.  You can always find dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor, toys everywhere, and the bathrooms are questionable.  The location of shoes are a mystery (although one pair has been found), there are piles of junk everywhere, and who knows what we're eating tonight!  I'm not sure if I'll ever become the organized wife and mother that I imagine.  I'd like to think it's possible.

I imagine that I'm the type of mom who keeps the kids engaged in fun activities.  I imagine they are so busy doing things with me that they never sit and watch TV.  We have wonderful days full of laughter and creativity, smiles and activity.  Enter reality.  I'm so tired that half the time I let them entertain themselves while I force myself out of bed to do the basics of housework.  We spend a lot of time sitting on the couch watching way too much TV.  This summer I have a lot planned.  I'm hoping the Imagined Mommy can make an appearance for the summer so the girls have some fun.  Otherwise we'll waste the summer away sitting in our living room because I'm too tired to get them moving.

I imagine that I'm the wife and mom who always has patience.  I never have a sharp word for my family.  I endure their imperfections with happiness.  Arguments between sisters don't bother me at all, and a husband who is lacking in some communication skills is not a problem.  I'm always smiling and happy, and nothing can get under my skin.  Enter reality.  I'm sure I don't have to say much about this one!  We'll just say that typical mother frustrations are very common in this house.  Mommy isn't always happy.

I'm not sure how to get my reality a little closer to my imagination.  I really want to be that mommy and wife that I imagine.  If anyone has any ideas, I'm open to suggestions.

Summer Vacation Begins

Today is the second official day of our summer vacation.  Addy had her last day of Kindergarten on Monday.  So here we are, home for the summer.  The fighting has already begun.  Is it time to go back to school yet?

I'm just kidding.  Actually, I'm looking forward to this summer.  I'm trying to plan fun activities to keep us busy, but not totally break the bank.  That's the tricky part.  I have some ideas though.  Obviously we will participate in the library's summer reading program.  The library also has fun free programs set up that my girls are very excited about, like when they can go and learn about dinosaurs, make a rock garden in a platter, and learn how to use watercolors to paint trees.  On some Tuesdays they have storytime at Panera Bread, and on Wednesdays that have stories in the parks.  Those are all free to attend, and I plan on taking full advantage of that!

I'm going to plan picnics on some days.  We'll pack a nice lunch and go eat at a park somewhere.  Maybe we'll ride bikes or scooters around the trails in the state park that is close by.  When it's raining - like today - we can go to a McDonalds play place for some fun.

Of course there is the typical summer adventure type things that we will want to do.  Going to the zoo for one.  Since starting school we gave up our family membership because we can't go as much as we used to, but we'll make sure to go once over the summer.  The zoo by us has an exhibit where we can pet stingrays and one where we can walk into a tent full of butterflies.  Add the dolphin show in there and it's a perfect day!  The kids also want to take a trip to the Kohl Childrens Museum.  That place is so much fun!  And of course the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago is one of our favorites.  But, all those things cost money so we'll have to see what we can do.

And no summer would be complete without swimming lessons and a few afternoons at the neighborhood pool.

Sounds like a lot of fun, huh?  But I'm striking a deal with my kids.  Certain things must be done before any of these fun activities take place.  They will help me around the house with some cleaning and organizing projects.  We will read a book every day.  Addy will practice her violin every day before we head out to activities.  And of course we had the conversation about how we're not going to be going someplace fun every single day.  Mommy can't handle that!  I need days at home sometimes.

So it begins.  Today is raining so I think we're heading to McDonalds after I vacuum and Addy practices her violin.

Tiny Ballerinas

Dance recitals are very exciting things for little girls - and their parents.  They spend all year going to dance class, learning their routine, practicing and practicing.  Then finally, the day is here.  They get to get all dressed up in costumes, get their hair done, and even put makeup on! (gasp!)

Imagine the excitement and nervousness in the room with 20 girls waiting for their dance to come up.  I wouldn't want to be the volunteer to chaperone that room!

The show starts.  Every time the curtain opens there is a collective "awwww" from the crowd - well, only for the little girls.  The teenagers are no longer "cute" enough for an awwww.  Some classes do pretty well.  They actually know their dance.  Other classes spend the whole time staring at their teacher in the wings.  But they are still so cute!

I may be biased, but I believe this particular class was the best of the night.  Maybe it's just because 2 of the girls are my own....  but I like to believe it's because they were the only class (literally) that actually knew their whole dance from start to finish and didn't stare at their teacher in the wings.  My heart was bursting with pride.

Seriously, it's amazing how emotional we can get when our little ones do something like this.  I watch my little girls as they accomplish something great - and for 5 and 6 year-olds a dance recital is definitely something great - and I have a hard time not getting emotional.  Tears come to my eyes and a lump in my throat.  My little girls are doing something well, and it makes me very happy.

One more picture of the sweetest ballerinas in the world!

The Cool Mom

Have you ever noticed that in every neighborhood there is a "cool" mom?  All the kids want to hang out in her yard.  She has the coolest toys and snacks.  I am definitely not that mom.....

I met Cool Mom this week.  Somehow I have lived on this street for years and I've never known how many kids there are!  I guess when our kids were little we all had our own little bubbles.  As the kids grow up they make friends and it expands our horizons a bit.  I found out there are at least 12 kids living on our street that are around the same ages as my girls.  Four of them are starting Kindergarten next year!

Well, the Cool Mom on our street has all the toys.  She has a swing set, a separate fun slide, a play house, a cool sprinkler, and tons of bikes and cars.  Everyone wants to play over there, and I don't blame them.  If I had energy I would too!

I sent my kids to play at Cool Mom's house yesterday.  There were 8 kids there at that time, running around the back yard.  Cool Mom was in the house, but I could tell she could see everything going on outside.  Everyone was having fun, there was no fighting.  How you have 8 kids together with no fighting is beyond me.  At one point, Cool Mom pulled out Popsicles for everyone.  Wow!

I hope someday I can get it together enough to be an almost cool mom.  I'll never be Cool Mom....

Those days of preschool

My baby isn't a baby anymore.  I don't know if I'm sad or excited about it.

Today was preschool graduation.  The point in their lives that they move on from play all day to actual learning.  It's a big deal....

H didn't go to a "regular" preschool.  It was a high school program.  The teens spent half the year learning about child development and age appropriate activities.  They formed the lesson plans and made up the themes for each day.  Then starting in February, the little ones come in. The program was only 2 days a week for an hour and a half.  It was hardly enough time for me to get a proper nap, er....  errands done.  But H loved it!  And the teenagers loved it too.  They were so excited to see each other every school day.

Next year is Kindergarten.  Going to school every day, having homework, doing big kid stuff like riding the bus to school.

I'm going to have to get as much "little girl" out of her as I can this summer.

My baby H at graduation.

H with her BFF.

The Case of the Missing Shoes

Where do things go when children lose them?  Is there a special magical place that accumulates all those little missing items?  Maybe someday someone will find that magical place and return everything that is lost.

Right now, we are missing 2 brand new pairs of shoes.  Where might they be?  I have no idea....  So I'm tearing the house apart looking for them.  H wants to wear one of the pairs to her preschool graduation tomorrow.  Somehow I don't see that happening.

Yesterday I decided that since they have to be here somewhere, I was going to methodically search the house.  In doing that, I am organizing.  So far I have gone through about 80% of the girls' room.  I cleaned off shelves, emptied bins, emptied drawers.  Then since I'm taking everything down, I figure it's time to get all the too small clothes out of their closet and get it ready for summer.  So I guess there is a benefit to losing shoes?

Since at this point I'm very sure there are no missing shoes hiding in their room, I will finish the closet and move on to the playroom.  Ah, the playroom....  That is an adventure in and of itself.  That will take about a week and requires a post of its own.......

Maybe the shoes are hiding with my expensive blue nail polish and the dresser drawer knob that has been missing for the last 2 years.  One can dream, right?

Musical Beds

We play a game in our house called musical beds.  I don't find it very entertaining, but my children seem to love it.  This is how it works....

Bedtime comes around.  Children go to sleep in their beds.  Or on their floor.  Or together in one bed.  I don't really care, as long as they are in their room.  Lately daddy has been putting the kids to bed, and he usually falls asleep with them.  It's funny because I'll peek in there and see all three of them crammed into one twin bed.  I figure, as long as they are sleeping and I get some quiet time to myself at night I am just going to let that go.

But then the game starts....  Everyone is sleeping, it's peaceful in the house.  I finally pry myself away from my books/computer/TV (read - alone time) in order to go to sleep - usually way too late.  I climb into my bed and get comfy all by myself.  Suddenly I hear little feet padding down the hallway.  A child climbs into bed with me.  Ok, I can deal with one.  I doze off.  Then I wake up to another kid climbing on me.  Suddenly I have 2 kids practically laying on top of me in my bed.  Since they insist on sharing my pillow with me and sleeping on my side of the bed, I move to the other side and doze off again.  The next thing I know I wake up to an elbow in my face and a foot on my stomach.  So then I get up and move to the couch so I can be alone again.

Some nights sleepy kids will actually follow me down to the couch once they realize I'm gone.  Then I go back up to my bed.  I seem to spend my nights hiding from my kids.  The other day when we woke up mommy and daddy were sleeping together on the twin bed in the girls room and the girls were sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed.  Something is not right there.

No wonder I'm so tired all the time....  And I'm the only one in this family that seems to dislike this game.

Appreciating our teachers

First of all, here's a shout out to all the teachers out there.  You do a very difficult job, and I appreciate you.

This past week was teacher appreciation week.  It's a time to think about how important our teachers are.  I don't think teachers get enough credit for what they do.  I don't think I could do that job.

I love working in the schools, but I prefer being part of the support system.  Right now all I can do is volunteer when I can in A's classroom.  She's in Kindergarten right now, but I still have H at home so  I can't spend too much time at school.  Next year will be different.  I'm hoping to be there at least once a week helping in any way I can.

Teacher appreciation week is a big deal to me.  I'm not sure why it's so important to me, but I love doing things for the teachers.  Sometimes I go a little overboard. This year I got gifts for all the kindergarten teachers - even the ones that don't know me.  They were just small things, but I had fun with it.  A's teacher, though, got an extra special gift.  I spent the last 3 months putting a scrapbook together for her.  It was her first year teaching Kindergarten, and obviously it was our kids first year there, so I thought she deserved something special.  I asked all the parents to send me a picture of their child and a little something that their child wanted to say about their teacher.  Some of them were really cute!  I delivered it yesterday.

My goal every year is going to be to make sure my kids' teachers know that I appreciate them.  School is a very important time for our kids.  Parents and teachers need to work together to benefit the children and make their school experience great.

Who am I?

Who am I?

That's a great question, one I'm trying to figure out myself.

I am mom - that's a given.  Some days it seems that's all I am.  Mom.  I fill cups, brush hair, and wipe bottoms.  I navigate arguments, work on homework, and fix toys.  I snuggle, rub aching limbs, and kiss boo boos.  I tickle, chase, and giggle.  I am mom.  But I should be more than that...

I am wife.  I stay at home with the kids.  I do laundry and dishes.  And then do more laundry and dishes.  And then again do more laundry and dishes.  Doesn't it seem like laundry and dishes multiply when you turn your back?  I make dinners, I shop for groceries.  I try to keep the house clean and organized, and I fail at that on a daily basis.  Is there more to me?

There used to be.  I used to do more than this.  I know it's a common phenomenon that moms tend to lose themselves in the daily struggle of keeping the family going.  So I'm working on finding myself again.  Who am I really?

Since this is my first blog post, I figured it's a good place to start.

I am a creative, artistic person.  I used to draw and paint.  I've gotten out of practice with that and I'm no longer very good.  But I can get it back if I work at it.  Now I scrapbook.  I love the freedom of creating, and the pride I feel when a project is finished and I can sit back and admit that it looks good.  Thinking about color schemes and balance in composition makes me happy.

I love to read.  Crime dramas are my favorite right now, but I'm also a sucker for a nice love story.  Reading is relaxing, and sometimes pretty intense.  I enjoy getting so wrapped up in a novel that I have a hard time putting it down at night.  And then when I finally do, I dream about the characters.  Do I need some professional help?  Maybe.....  The invention of the ebook reader is a wonderful thing.  I love my Nook.  The only problem - it's so easy to buy another book.  I'm going broke by reading.

I am a spiritual person.  Devotion to God shapes my life.  It molds my values and impacts my decisions on a daily basis.  It affects how I raise my kids.  It is a big part of who I am today.

I am a writer.  Now granted, I haven't really written anything in a very long time, but writing is my way of expressing myself.  I'm one of those verbally awkward people who stumbles over words and gets emotional easily, so I tend to write instead of talk.  Sometimes writing is the only way that I know how I truly feel about something.

So who am I?

Right now I'm lost in mom and wife mode.  I think a lot of us are.

But my kids are starting to grow up.  In the fall they will both be in school at least part of the day every day.  They still need me to be mom, but not all the time.  I am making goals for myself to help me round out my life.  I love being mom.  I love being wife.  But I also need to be me.