I Am the Worst Mother Ever!

Warning....  mom guilt included in this post.  Read at your own risk.

Do you ever have times when you feel you just don't like your kids?  I think that probably happens to all of us.  But what about realizing that you love one kid more than the other?  Yeah - that's bad....

Yesterday I was pondering this idea, and I realized that right now I do love one kid more than the other!  Then I started thinking about why.   (Notice I will not use names in this post, just characteristics)

One child is going through a phase right now that is driving me crazy.  She is whiny, clingy, and angry.  She wants to sit on my lap all the time, and when I don't give her what she wants she throws a tantrum.  She is not 2!  She speaks very well and can communicate with me - but when she's upset she won't talk at all.  She screams and cries and throws things.  Totally unacceptable behavior, but so far everything I've tried hasn't worked.  She is mean to me, ignores me on purpose to make me mad...  she can be infuriating.  When she's happy she can be a sweet little thing, but when she's upset, watch out.  Oh, and she's my bedtime troublemaker - which always makes me angry because I'm tired too and I need my quiet time!

I'm not saying that I don't love her.  I do.  She's my child and I love her and take care of her.  But she makes me mad and sometimes I really don't like her.

Then there's the other child.  She is sweet and smart.  She loves learning and asking questions about how things work.  She's quiet around strangers, but she would never ever make a scene in public no matter how upset or disappointed she is.  I watched her one day at school.  She was upset because she didn't get the prize that she wanted.  The look in her eyes screamed disappointment, but she calmly smiled and said thank you for what she got.  She is so much like me when I was a kid - she feels things deeply but remains collected on the outside.  We have wonderful conversations.  She is the one that comes to me and comforts me when I'm not feeling well or if I've had a bad day.

The two of us have a special bond that I don't have with her sister.  It makes me very sad to realize this and I'm overcome with mom guilt.  I wish I could feel that bond with both girls.  I want to get along with both of my girls and actually want to be around them.  I find myself not wanting to wake one child in the morning because it's so peaceful while she's sleeping.  I don't want to feel that way!  I don't want to love one child more than the other.  That seems so wrong - so against all parenting instincts.  Ugh - the mom guilt is awful, but this time I feel like I deserve it.